So I’m lay here once again while the wife snores away. We came to bed early tonight as well coz we were both so tired, yeah, that didn’t work. So naturally my mind goes into overdrive and I’m lay here looking at mansions that I will never be able to afford. Because obviously that’s normal. My minimum price is a Mil and it has to have a pool I’m just not interested otherwise, I want value for my millions people and I like to swim. So I type in my preferences to Zoopla, as you do;
Area: this one +10 miles (keeping our options open)
Min price: £1,000000
Max price: nope
Min beds: 5 (I have one child, why do I need 5 beds?)
Max beds: nope
And off we go. 37 matches. Excellent, let’s have a nosey around ex footballers houses and see how the other half live.
Shit. They live shit. Again, some. Seriously, if you were selling your mansion, you’d spruce the place up around bit, get rid of your clutter, but nope, these people just don’t give a fuck. They want you to see their unhealthy obsession with Rose Pink everything or their vast array of China plates. There’s crap everywhere, in every room! Books piled high, crystal figurines and all sorts of floral decor going on. Don’t get me started on the ones that haven’t decorated since the 80’s too! Whats with the heavy drapes? Dont you know how much dust they collect? Why would you put your house through that ridicule? Knowing that peasants like me are daydreaming about having a million pound house like yours and then just ripping it apart. Now people say ‘but you can decorate and make it how you want’ listen buddy, for a million quid plus, I want a fucking Butler standing at the foot of my sweeping, Beauty and the Beast style staircase with a glass of Strawberry cider greeting me! (I’m well classy, me.) Period houses are different, I expect a certain antiquity to them, I want old Persian rugs and Wing Back Chesterfields, I don’t want it in a house built in 1982 with the flat screen TV and ugly light fittings. Pick a style people, modern, antique, farmhouse cozy, just do it right and your house won’t be on the market for 2 years plus.
As for the pool, well, they’re all pretty standard, as long as I can swim before the tiny terrorist wakes and my ruins my day, I’m happy.
Anyways, Sleep Well.